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A Song of Mortuary Ice and Fiverr

It has finally happened. For a long time, I saw him coming. I’d get out of the shower and start rinsing a razor under the tap. Then fleetingly, I’d see him in the mirror.

“Is that really him?” I would wonder.

However, the man looking back at me in the mirror would vanish as I straightened up a bit. For a while, I, therefore, thought I was safe. Sadly, though, this is no longer the case.

Today, after finding out that I can no longer fit comfortably into a standard size bathtub, I realized that it has finally happened. I now have the body shape of George R. R. Martin.

That I have let this happen to myself quite extraordinarily undermines the fact that I try to live healthily and like to think I’m self-taught enough to be a semi-official alternative health practitioner. However, for the past 6-months, I just haven’t been able to stop putting food in my face.

As with all English people, it started with a pie shop. My local shop that I go to every morning for coffee started selling feshly prepared sausage rolls, pea pies called pastizis, chicken pie, tuna pie, and even pizza.

It felt rude at first not to buy a pie because I have such a rapport with the shop owner. Then suddenly, I was having BBQ chicken pizza for breakfast every morning with a side order of sausage rolls to take home for lunch.

“I’ll walk it off,” I said. “I just won’t swim this year.” And, “This is only while I’m being so productive,” I told myself. — And since being fat, I have become more productive.

Where before I used to like nothing more than nice long walks with Chico, being too ashamed to go out in daylight, has made me focus more on my freelance career.

Now, though, it has to stop.

At this point, I’m not just comfortably “yeah, it doesn’t matter” fat. My on-off girlfriend has left me for her gay best friend, and every morning I wake up surprised that my sheer mass hasn’t caused the universe to sink in on itself. Today, I therefore, didn’t eat a single pastry item.

It is going to be a long journey. However, I am at the point where if I don’t stop sedentarily eating anything in sight while I write landing pages for life coaches, I will die.

This is of course, a quite embarrassing state of affairs. However, I am sure that there must be others like me. i.e. People who let everything slip occasionally when they freelance full-time. In this case, there it is. Freelancing made me fat and it can make you fat too.

I don’t know if this post should come across as a warning or motivational, or something in between. Either way. if you too are at the point where breathing in just doesn’t work anymore, you are not alone.


It’s beautifully written - that should be enough.

There are a lot of “well covered” freelancers out there - mostly in IT … you are not alone.


I feel with you, that’s one of my weaknesses too, not the BBQ chicken pizza for breakfast, that’s barbaric :stuck_out_tongue: , but the needlessly feeling rude thing? Oh yes.
My BBQ chicken pizza was a croissant where I only wanted cappuccino. You peacefully go to your favourite coffeeshop, with whose owner you have a good rapport, a couple times a week, enjoy that you don’t even need to order but just show up to get your cappuccino, drink it happily, without a sorrow in the world … and then, some fateful morning, you suddenly feel like having a croissant.
And the next morning, when you wanted back to your routine of just a cappuccino, the shop owner wants to do you something good, or didn’t really listen to your order because he was communicating with someone else at the same time and having dishwasher troubles, and voilà, before you stand your cappuccino … and a croissant.
Of course, you’d feel rude to tell him to take it back, and now you’ve already had two croissants this week and established a bad routine.
Not really, this story has a happy ending, I did order “just a cappuccino” last time and got just a cappuccino. You can break the evil Cycle, just do it! :wink:



So he’s no longer gay or are they roommates now?

As for your weight issues, get a job at Home Depot or a supermarket, any job where you have to keep moving or be on your feet for hours. You’ll lose the weight in no time.


It’s an old trick to pretend to be gay to get close to a girl that has a boyfriend, then pretend she turned him straight. Or also, lots of gay men fall in love with girls. I had a very gay male friend who fell in love with a woman and got married to her. Human sexuality is often a fluid changeable thing.



But yeah, I’ve been on a diet before and I am happy to say that I have lost weight and kept if off ever since. It’s not easy though, but it’s not THAT hard. I just make sure to walk almost everyday to the office ( it takes 30 minutes BTW), and I go to the gym twice a week.

In case you are wondering, I absolutely HATE HATE HATE moving my body, but I just want to stay in average shape. I think people fail to lose weight because they simply lack patience.
Once the weight starts coming off, you’ll be motivated for sure. I DID eat some pastries and such during my diet.
I just made sure to burn it all off with old-fashion exercising each time.
If you’re having trouble breathing though, that sounds pretty bad…I hope you can…well, get better. I like reading your posts and I’d like you to stick around for a biiiiiiiiiit longer.

Beautifully written post BTW, I would never be able to write something as creative at this…


Been there, done that. WAY too often…isn’t the world an evil place.



Oh well, I even had to move out of London to save myself from pies, fish and chips and all those tasty things.
Sadly for my abs I moved to a place where eating is a national sport :see_no_evil:

Jokes aside indeed as freelancer I might not even leave a building for a week or two because we have everything here so amount of steps I make is tending toward zero. And amount of sweets and chocolates, oh well, that’s all I have in the fridge apart from booze.

I have to keep myself somehow in shape, so on a lunch break I try to make time to go swim and somewhere during the day to do a HIIT workout.
Sometimes I even have courage to count my calories and ratio of protein/fat/carbs for each day and cook only healthy food in containers for the whole week. But life is getting very sad in those months while my abs are getting more visible.
So I haven’t decided for my self yet who do I love more: six pack abs or all this amazing delicious food.


Dang, it Cy! Weren’t you going for [very] long walks each day?

In any case, welcome to the club.


It’s an old trick? Sounds like a movie to me. I do know one person who claims he’s no longer gay, but I don’t believe him, and so far he hasn’t met a woman so I think he’s full of it.

Also, for men human sexuality isn’t that fluid. Women are the ones that are more willing to experiment with threesomes, but if a girl tells a straight guy, “honey, I would love to see you with another guy,” he’s going to freak out.

I will admit there are many bisexuals who will claim to be one thing or the other, instead of admitting their bisexuality, which perhaps leads to the idea that sexuality is fluid. My opinion.


People switch preferences quite a bit. Not everyone, but it happens more than you realize and not just with girls. I’ve seen amazing changes in people. And it’s also been studied. I’m not just going on my own observations. edit: I just quickly looked it up and you’re right, men are more set in their ways than women.


Not sure if you need this information, but I’ve been doing squats for the past several months
and I can really feel my stomach getting tighter. Just 10 minutes everyday, you might want to give it a try :smiley:


Possibly because many bisexuals are told that they’re faking it, making it up, that they can only be straight or gay, and once they’re in a relationship, it’s “Oh, so you were straight/gay all along”.


Those things don’t exist where I live. Maybe look up Gozo on a map to see how small where I live is. Plus I’ve already done my time in a supermarket and can no longer work in the real world. People annoy me and I annoy them by telling them how annoying I find them.

I’m pretty sure this is what it is. However, he didn’t weasle in on us. They were already friends before we met. It isn’t going to work out well for her and I’ve told her this, but I’m past caring. Besides, every time I have a fling, my relationship with my dogs suffers. In this case, things are better this way.

That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. :blush:

Well, I feel better now. Not leaving the house for a week would be the final straw for me. What I really need is to move somewhere more scenic/wild. I never had a problem with my weight when there was a mountain nearby.

I still do-ish. However, one of my dogs is a bit sick and not able to walk as far as we used to. As I can’t leave the other home alone (she’s already eaten through a mattress), I use this as an excuse to sit down and support the local economy, - By eating pie.


When people ask me what the biggest issue with freelancing is there is a simple answer. “The fridge”. If you haven’t got it you can’t eat it and I would suggest to avoid buying any food you dont need and also avoid eating the dog if you feel a bit peckish. I stay well away from eating anything in between meals. A biscuit here and a biscuit there and a pie there soon adds up to an extra 500+ calories a day and that is going to turn you into Mr Blobby if you do not get any exercise.

I hate to tell you this but if you are eating a few biscuits and a pie you are not going to walk it off, you are not even going to run it off unless your name is Forrest Gump and you keep on running.

If you monitor your intake with something like myfitnesspal; which is free, you are going to force yourself to account for everything you eat and you are soon going to have to face the cold hard truth. your trousers no longer have a healthy relationship with your waist.

I would cut out any any junk and snacks and keep some mineral water with you and have a glass of that instead of having a snack.

I usually go running at lunch time and run a minimum of 5k every lunchtime and sometimes 10-15 miles on the weekend, but a lot of people do not have time for exercise.

If you cut out all the biscuits and extra food and ignore the snacks and monitor what you are eating you will soon stop resembling a football.

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We both want this. I’ve been thinking this for a very long time but unfortunately am hooked on the creature comforts of civilization too much. But it’s such a deep yearning to live with nature as much as possible so I keep looking around for the perfect spot with the right balance.
Now I’m thinking that two places not too far apart might work that I can transfer between.

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Me: Plenty of jobs! Must celebrate with pie!
One week later: No jobs. Will never work again. Must eat pie.


I felt I had put some weight on a while back but hate exercise, gyms etc. A friend said he was starting doing daily pushups starting with 5 and building to doing 100 every two days by adding 5 more every other time or as you feel comfortable.

Do 5, take a minute break, do another 5 til you reach the day’s quota. I’m at 65 now after about three months. Still only takes about 20 minutes, I do it while dinner is cooking.

I used to hate people who posted stuff like “it’s really easy” but honestly, I do feel the effort but it’s really manageable and the difference in my waist and chest is noticeable.

Do those pushups help if you’re eating too much pie?