You should have you lawyer - Swifty Barrowitz - take over your account and start messaging for you. It may look something like this:
Allow that I introduce myself… My name is Swifty Barrowitz- Showbiz attorney specialist. I’ll be handling this account from here on out…see… I’ve just returned from the muggy infestations of a crowded swamp land where I’ve rigorously defended a web developer / client from the terrible clutches of third world law. Traditionally I would have no such involvement in strange shenanigans of that sort…but when the accused faced death by lathered butter mosquito bites… well, something just had to be done. Savages!
Heck, even upon arrival I was greeted by a saturnine brood of leaf clothed meat heads… bustling me through the misty regions and lashing me with broken tree remains. There, my client was bound to a massive wood carving. It stood firmly into the ground and dwarfed his tiny frame. At the top- in what appeared to be dropping red coloring- the words “For this we give to thee” appeared.
From the gathering a large man emerged. His skin was the complexion of jerky and his eyes were sunken, with bite marks folding over the tops of his eye lids. The swamp bugs buzzed around him and the smaller ones pinged off his chest - falling to their doom. He was the shape of a 1970’s television and he didn’t so much walk as he did glide from the troop.
“This man…” he began, his voice like rocks tearing into concrete, “this man must pass into another place.”
Now, I’m what you might call a “hands on” attorney. I’m more like an agent… no, I’m more like a friend, than I am some run of the mill hour logger. My clients can reach me at anytime. Day or night. Cops got you by the short hairs? Call Swifty. That girl you met in Tucson was more expensive than you intended? Call Swifty.
Due to the nature of my work and the juggling of such sensitive subject matter- I have multiple cellular devices and what you may refer to as a weak digestive disposition. My phones are all set to alert me - exactly at four pm, that’s eastern standard- to take my anxiety medication. Prescribed, totally legitimate.
But here’s what you may not know… Swamp people love Randy Newman…
From every pocket and every angle, right at four pm, chords shot out from my body. Brisk chords… jolly. I stood frozen. The cold gaze of the brute never leaving my eyes. Swamp beings seemed to hush down. Then the vocal…
“Short people got no reason. Short people got no reason. Short people got no reason to liiiiiive.”
The beastly man extended his vascular arm into my coat pocket and retrieved my phone. He turned and presented the others with this item. I quickly reached for the others handing phones to multiple members of his group.
Suddenly - and without any warning- the massive man barely muttered (in perfect time) “don’t want no short people, don’t want no short people…” the others began at a murmur “don’t want no short people round here…”
Then a sway. The large man rang out, “short people got NOBODY…short people got…” he pointed to others in the collective and they responded, “NOBODY!”
“Short people got nobody to loooooovvvvee!”
Dancing now. Jiving in and out of his crew, " They got little baby legs and they stand so low you gotta pick em up just to say hello."
Pointing and directing the choir of leaf wearing misfits, “They got little cars (in unison) that go BEEP BEEP BEEP! They got little voices going PEEP PEEP PEEP! They got grubby little fingers and dirty little minds… They gonna get you everytime”
and right then he pointed to me and I sang “I dont want no short people” as everyone erupted in cheer. We sang the the remainder together in an explosion of song and dance.
“Don’t want no short people! Dont want no short people…”
and as the last line presented itself, the brute pointed to my client on the heavenly high wooden slab. My client sang, “Don’t want no short people round here.”
The brute cut free his hands.
Swamp people are completely archaic beings. Feasting on the likes of the domesticated. But they have great taste in music…
and they are my friends…
so I’m thinking you want to complete this order…