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Crazy Buyer Requirements

Well… we know I get the crazy buyers. One of them has now gone ahead and placed the order. Let’s just say that their requirements are… enlightening.


Sure. Dying. Pain. Suffering. Friendly way.

I remember some of my favourite children’s books. None of them including ‘gruseome’ dying.
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YAH! Gruesome!

What? What? What do you actually want?

Incredibly, painful dying described in a gruesome manner… for age 6-9. Got it.
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Ooh. Yay. At least I’ll be rewarded a little extra for this… task?
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Oh. That kind of tip. Can we just acknowledge the most monumental misspelling of the word ‘think’ ever.


Yes. I don’t know the five, human senses. So I’m going to use Bing. I don’t know if Chrome will physically allow me to do that. Anyway, let’s hear his example of thonking about the senses.

That is. It just is. “Mouthing the shouts”
Some people never fail to amaze me.
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Pay when you see fit? You’ve placed an order… you’ve already payed. Need to use your senses a bit more. And your… brain.

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No. Not good at all. You’ve tasked me with writing a gruesome, painful death for 6 year olds. Oh, but at least I’ve got some good tips to thonk about. I should have fun with this.

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Well, in the old fairy tales, Cinderella’s stepsisters had their eyes taken out by pigeons, Sleeping Beauty’s mother-in-law was a cannibal who wanted to eat her and her kids, the evil queen from the Snow White was forced to dance in red-hot iron shoes until she died…

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… and I seem to recall that the ugly sisters (so non pc now) in Cinderella originally cut their toes off in order to get their feet into the glass slippers …

The German fairy stories are the best though - there’s some kind of monster that cuts off children’s thumbs if they keep sucking them beyond an acceptable age …

… terrifying …

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OT ... but not a monster (yet a monster)

While Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty exist as German fairy tales. I don’t know of any German fairy tale with some kind of monster cutting off thumbs … however, there’s a book by a German doctor and psychiatrist from 1845 that features a story of a boy who sucked his thumb even though his mother forbid it and warned him about the tailor who’d come and cut them cut off (cause that’s what tailors do, right?) and the naughty boy ignored the warnings … so … the tailor came and cut his thumbs off with his scissors … not some fairy tale-ish monstery monster, but a man/tailor, which is, actually, even more terrifying, of course, and it’s fine by me to call that tailor a monster.

There’s also a story in that book of a girl who played with matchboxes although the father had forbidden it and the cats had warned her, and she burnt to death - matchboxes were a relatively new thing then and children could also use them and were fascinated by them, so they posed a real danger. Then a story about a boy who refused to eat his soup and died of hunger, a boy who went out in the storm and got carried away by the wind, …

Yeah, the good old days of authoritarian education … if it’s a consolation, that book also features a story about a boy who tortured animals for fun until a big dog tortured him back (bit his leg).

“You’ve tasked me with writing a gruesome, painful death in a friendly way for 6**-9** year olds.”

Don’t forget any requirements :wink: I think there might also be a big difference too in how gruesome the average 6-year-olds and 9-year-olds might like their stories, by the way, but what do I know.

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Their mother did the cutting. The big toe for one sister, and a part of the heel for the other. But the birds warned the prince that there was blood coming out of the slipper…

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Actually, Rhoal Dahl was quite good at giving the adults in his stories gruesome ends …

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Don’t forget how Susan was murdered in Narnia for wearing lipstick!

TBH, I’d just cancel this order. This is the kind of buyer who can’t ever be happy. They will probably turn around and tell you that they actually wanted a lead magnet for an insurance company by the time you have finished.

That said, I do remember a hilarious book from when I was really small, were a noticeboard above a boy’s bed fell and squashed him when he as sleeping. He as essentially made completely flat and had all sorts of gun being rolled up and posted through letterboxes, etc.

Strictly speaking, squashing children to the point where they are 2 dimensional is pretty gruesome. In this case, maybe roll with something like that. :thinking:

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LOL. That is soo funny! I want to meet this client.

I would gruesomely pass on this job. Cancel it. Sadistic stuff. I teach children that age, and that is not ok for 6 year olds in any way shape or form.

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I agree, but fairy tails have historically been pretty gruesome. It is amazing, really, how we bring children up telling them that there are witches in woods ready throw them in ovens, and old people marauding around who might actually be wolves pretending to be dotting grand parents.

Plus the Internet as pretty much ruined childhood.

It might be that the buyer wants a story that stays true to the form of old school fairytales. - Yet is prevented from saying what they really want as a result of a bit of a language barrier.

Also, one of the latest trending kids books on Amazon is a practical guide to summoning demons… :frowning:



Basically, if you want to have normal, nice kids, you best try and raise them in the 1940’s.

I kind of sort of a little bit understand what this buyer is talking about :upside_down_face:
When I was a kid, I had a series of books with short scary stories for children. They were pretty gruesome and creepy, but very childish and not too over the top at the same time. And same goes for illustrations. They were’nt too gory and were clearly aimed at children, but some of them still give me the creeps even as a 30yo adult.
Here’s a couple of those I managed to google:



I also would often borrow books with myths, folklore stories, german and scandinavian fairytales from the local library, those were pretty gruesome aswell as others have mentioned above.
The 90s were a different time though, helicopter parenting wasn’t a thing where I live yet, so as a child I could do lots of things that would seem weird, inappropriate or just too much for the kids of 2020. On the other hand, they have the internet to spoil them.

OMG, the stuff you find on the net (and on fiverr) these days :astonished:

I would say, Tim Barton’s approach would be ok for children stories, but all those zombie, ghosty like kids in the illustrations? Yeah, pretty creepy.

Fairytales would be ok with this kind of stuff since If I understand well, they are not exclusively aimed for children, but I don’t think this is appropriate for kids.

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