Let’s be honest… every buyers request in music and audio goes just like this:
“I need a copyright free, masterfully produced, top of the line, completely mastered recording written and produced in twenty minutes with real instruments, vocalists, multiple harmonies, an orchestra, two gospel choirs, a singing goat, multiple variations and recordings made in various tempos.
My budget is $5.
I would also like a tutorial on marketing. Possibly even a social media consultant. Actually … I need you to take pictures of me, write copy, create posts, find fans, develop a bio, apply for a loan and purchase my music.
Also… as it turns out … I don’t sing. Can you please sing the song for me as well? But please sing it as me. That way, in the video (I forgot, I need you to make a video) you can impose my face onto your face and people will assume that I’ve done something.
Obviously, this is all part of our five dollar agreement.
I would also like you to explain publishing. Then I want your publishing.
I’m also going to need unlimited revisions.
Specifically because I plan on being non-descriptive, having no idea what I want, not responding, giving you completely unrelated examples and saying confusing things like,
“I want it to sound like a quiet jazz song, played by a bear with an identity crisis, hiding from his position in a hair band by dreaming of elevator music.”
So, yeah. Definitely unlimited revisions. In fact, let’s start now:
“Ahem…Your vocals are too low and I can’t hear you banging on a Keurig coffee machine like I asked for. Please turn up the coffee maker.”
(Note: I ALWAYS turn up the coffee maker.)
Do it again."
I’m also gonna need a sample of the song before I pay you.
By sample, I mean that I want you to create the whole song and then send it to me.
While we’re at it, I also like supermarket samples (as in, the food they give out at supermarkets). Please include those as well.
I need WAV. Files, MP3’s, midi tracks, sheet music, stems, chords charts, singing telegrams and the melody performed by carrier pigeons on tiny harpsichords.
I also want an instrumental version of the song with vocals. Can’t you just follow simple directions?
Please send me submissions and a money order.
If this goes well, I have lots more.