Fiverr Community Forum

Every Music Buyers Request Ever

Let’s be honest… every buyers request in music and audio goes just like this:

“I need a copyright free, masterfully produced, top of the line, completely mastered recording written and produced in twenty minutes with real instruments, vocalists, multiple harmonies, an orchestra, two gospel choirs, a singing goat, multiple variations and recordings made in various tempos.
My budget is $5.

I would also like a tutorial on marketing. Possibly even a social media consultant. Actually … I need you to take pictures of me, write copy, create posts, find fans, develop a bio, apply for a loan and purchase my music.

Also… as it turns out … I don’t sing. Can you please sing the song for me as well? But please sing it as me. That way, in the video (I forgot, I need you to make a video) you can impose my face onto your face and people will assume that I’ve done something.

Obviously, this is all part of our five dollar agreement.

I would also like you to explain publishing. Then I want your publishing.

I’m also going to need unlimited revisions.

Specifically because I plan on being non-descriptive, having no idea what I want, not responding, giving you completely unrelated examples and saying confusing things like,

I want it to sound like a quiet jazz song, played by a bear with an identity crisis, hiding from his position in a hair band by dreaming of elevator music.”

So, yeah. Definitely unlimited revisions. In fact, let’s start now:

“Ahem…Your vocals are too low and I can’t hear you banging on a Keurig coffee machine like I asked for. Please turn up the coffee maker.”

(Note: I ALWAYS turn up the coffee maker.)

Do it again."

I’m also gonna need a sample of the song before I pay you.

By sample, I mean that I want you to create the whole song and then send it to me.

While we’re at it, I also like supermarket samples (as in, the food they give out at supermarkets). Please include those as well.

I need WAV. Files, MP3’s, midi tracks, sheet music, stems, chords charts, singing telegrams and the melody performed by carrier pigeons on tiny harpsichords.

I also want an instrumental version of the song with vocals. Can’t you just follow simple directions?

Please send me submissions and a money order.

If this goes well, I have lots more.

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Nice amalgam/mashup. :smirk:

Only thing missing is:
“Message must include word to make sure I know you read.”

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This is sad because singing goat joke aside, it’s literally how it is. Not even slightly hyperbolic at all. :frowning:

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Right. Then, of course, they give the job to a midi using non-musician who samples youtube clips and drag and drops the whole project. Which… to be fair… is only worth the five dollar quote.

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AND DON’T WASTE MY PRECIOUS TIME :sweat_smile:

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That’s right. These people have youtube videos on semiology to create!

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Actually, if the challenge includes teaching doo-wop harmonies to any animal, I may just take the gig on principal.

You forgot the lovely preface of every request, “ONLY APPLY IF YOU’RE A PROFESSIONAL AND READ ALL OF THIS, DON’T WASTE MY TIME AND IF YOU DO I’LL REPORT YOU TO CUSTOMER SERVICE AND GET YOU BANNED :angry: :angry:”.

Buyer requests is just as good as any comedy special on Netflix.

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I cried the first time someone tried to bargain with me in a rude manner because it shook me up so much. some people don’t realize what is art and how hard to create something new.

Here’s the same request:

I Need a Ghost Producer / Beatmaker for 10 Melodic Indie Pop /Rnb Type Beats. Terms. Exclusive Rights/ Commercial Use Stems No Samples or Non Royalty Free Loops Beat Length 2-3 Minutes Send Offer for 10 Beats If not we will ignore offer. Must read terms and have it in your offer before submitting. Thank You ! Reference Tracks Below: https://youtu.be/YLAha3JyhxE https://youtu.be/ATmC4kTbZDE $55 (for all 10)

What a spank

:slight_smile:

You should write to them:
“I agree to your terms. I’m also willing to submit a blood sample, eye exam, linguistics test, fluids and I will give you my first born if I can’t guess your first name.”

Ha ha

Yeah and they reply with abuse and block me in one go so my response Stats get tanked. I have learned that one.

:slight_smile:

Even worse. Not a buyer at all:


(Yes, I reported. They guy linked his gig.)

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Well it’s not just me then :slight_smile:

I love your post, although it is a very sad reflection of the truth!

I’m new to Fiverr as a Pro Seller (which basically translates to "I am a professional who charges more than $5 for 5 hrs work and so won’t get any work on here). It is really poor. I started a different “$5 composers - really?” thread and have also raised the question with the Fiverr rep who was going be in touch with me every week or so to support my work on Fiverr 9or something like that). I tried to explain that there is little point in encouraging pro composers and producers to sign up to Fiverr if there are no pro customers willing to pay pro prices for pro products…not sure I really got much of a helpful reply…

Are there ANY pro customers who fit the above bill on Fiverr?

In July of 2017, I sat in a Music row sub sandwich eatery with a high profile producer, that you probably know, talking about his work with a high profile talent that you probably know. For twenty minutes he laughed at the amount of tuning, key shifting and prodding that it took to make this artist who he is.

So, you might ask yourself, “what, if anything, makes a professional,” and any list that you might assemble would be a complete fabrication that’s informed by your social connections, history and preferences. This, of course, is my worst fear because I’m a guy that truly believes that art is less subjective than death.

To that end, as a Fiverr pro, I can organize a much longer list of people in the pro category that aren’t actually pro’s to my own standards - than I can a list of actual staff writing, road tested professionals.

But I can also point to pitch meetings with teenage talent, lawyered up at 15 without ever so much as having performed a single bar gig - explaining their artistic “process” to me whilst never having owned an instrument. Then they land considerable airplay.

On the other hand, at 15 I was a staff writer and road talent battling the stigma of being “inexperienced” though I had been traveling for ten years to that point and landed a ton of regional and national cuts. But with what retrospect to possibly crystallize concepts for artists ten years my senior?

Tricky questions.

All of this to say; I don’t know what makes a prospective buyer a professional. Each time that I do know, my reality and my standards fragment and I have to reacclimatize. Both in person and online.

But I’m also not certain that it’s doing anyone any good for me to continue to enforce my policies onto unsuspecting participants. It’s probably more important that I know what makes ME a professional and adhere to those specifics. It’s also worth passing those traditions and methods down to other people who want to learn target writing and narrative crafting through the lens of the staff approach that I learned from true workhorses who put in full day’s work.

Just today I turned in a keyboard track to a sound engineer from Nashville that I met here. We seem to have similar references and probably know the same circles - and for that - I’ve expanded my “in person” network. It happens. There are great jobs and mostly not great jobs and they all think their way is absolute and professional.

That’s the story of music.

The idea of professionalism has become very confused (or plain messed up).

It used to mean, makes a living from which makes sense as that indicates does a passable job at least. This was when standards were high. Garbage was for the poor and stupid and not accepted in the greater meaning which was:

A person who performs their craft (incl doctor, lawyer, soldier) to a very high standard. Conducts themselves well (as a gentleman). Honors their craft and therefore their customers.

Then along came post manners-ism where everything must be equal so anyone can make any claim regardless of (or possibly deliberately because of the real) truth. With that came the computer program that lets anyone claim to be an expert seeing they can glue together approved perfect (but oh so soulless/pointless) tripe off Artgrope and claim to be Pro.

So… while Trailer Swift and Plink don’t rank highly in my “feels like Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden, or George Benson metric” they are professionals in that they worked hard and did the things to “make it” and stay there. I respect them.

Of course, I can also list people, effectively unheard, who I think show all the hallmarks of true professionals as they value their craft and deliver great work every time - even if they know they will only sell one copy.

Those are Professionals. I respect each type for what they do. Personally, I value those who manage both the highest (see the names above).

What I do not value are people who may or may not have talent but abandon it at the first hurdle and then claim to be as pro as people they couldn’t understand if they were asked to listen to them because they have no craft, no passion, no honor. Nothing but sheer arrogance they use to brutalize all around them either with faux rules or with butchered work. Sadly Fiverr seems to favor these types both as buyer and seller.

I’d love to know these places where genuine enquiry flows like post-jesus-water.

:slight_smile:

This one was just too good not to share (found it as a job advert elsewhere):

i am the best song composer you can ever find. thankyou

Oh my. That fellow has more front than Kanye. I bet he has no talent whatsoever as he is so blind that he used a Wanting To Hire slot instead of making a seller profile - with Portfolio showing his best-ness.

:slight_smile:

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Ya know Benedict…
It’s weird. I keep having this reoccurring conversation with my songwriting and session friends…

It’s a conversation about the exact moment when your perfect self made music felt unattainable. The instant that your realization and maturation surpassed your nativity.

I’ve realized that many of my contemporaries suffer from the dreaded knowledge of knowledge. It’s this outer realm where technique and experience and know how outruns your ability to be galvanized.

You’re exactly where you are - and you can deduce the statistics of where you will be… and you’re armed with far too much awareness to perceive yourself as being beyond that. It’s an awareness that comes with thousands of hours of practice, touring, doing the job, expanding and living inside the work. It’s the realization of the professional. The staff writer. The multi touring hired gun. The studio living lifer.

It’s an awareness and it’s a death.

It’s the death of your potential. You know your leap year level milestones are mostly behind you. Those flashes of brilliance that utterly paint themselves on your work and elevate you to new places … they’re mostly in the rear view. You’ve become good enough to be at a great level - and you can forecast what that level will increase to … and you can’t get passed it.

Staggering ego is for the young and the dim. But it’s also the greatest weapon in their arsenal.

Because at 9, I had no idea what Oscar Peterson was doing. At 13, I had every right to believe I could mechanically untangle what Oscar Peterson was doing. By 16 I was aware what Oscar Peterson was doing … and because I could unfold the layers of that level of depth, I knew just how deranged my illusions of playing like him really was. I had played too many hundreds of shows at that point to believe my natural progression would undo the style of chops I was already committed to. Those chops would progressive in their natural direction and not another and so I couldn’t be everything.

Yes. It’s ignorance being bliss… but in the realm of entertainers - has it ever been more true? I’ve known so many incredibly talented people that treated themselves like a bar ashtray, all because they understood how far from their own self held standards they really were. These are talented people I’m talking about. Hit writers and devastating musicians. Cursed with this ability to unwind every musical thread to its original properties and tortured by that ability when it doesn’t produce the unrealistic results we all had for ourselves.

These are the fears and crosses of people who worked their fingers into piles of mush just rehearsing the finest nuisances that most musicians will never even recognize. THOSE are the folks inside their head, fretting and exhausting themselves with inner monologue analysis.

And it’s done us no favors.

I’d give anything to be that jerk off kid. Telling you, without even questioning the notion, that “I’m the best composer you can ever find.” The things I could do with that confidence, especially after all the work that I’ve put in, would be limitless.

And I’m about as confident a man as you’ll ever meet. Especially for a man that sings love songs on the piano. But that kid has fearlessness. Imagine marrying fearlessness to a lifetime of expert craft.

But that’s the rub; you can’t truly, selflessly, meticulously and feverishly work and elevate yourself up the scale, learn your craft with every madness in your heart, bust your back in every contorted fashion and give yourself to this life … until you’re absolutely absorbed into the world of other working professionals and respectability …

You can’t do all that and walk away with your ego unscathed.

You can’t be great and fearless.

Anyone touting their fearlessness as a virtue is making terrible art. No matter what their bank account says.

If you learned the craft, then music has already scrapped your soul down and you’ve given more than you’ve got left.

That’s the conversation I’ve been having with my circles. This idea that the fearless have nothing to give art. They know nothing about it. They don’t have the personal governance or a pair of ears developed enough to know how good they aren’t. Most people never will.

…and yet, they make it all the time.

Let that kid have his moment of youth and absurdist confidence. Because the best he can ever hope for is never getting better - or having his knees buckle when he realizes it will never be enough.

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Eeenteresting.

Yes that kid wants us to think he is fearless. But I bet he is more fearful than you or I. We have - and continue to do stuff. I bet that kid has nothing to show, and probably never will.

Eddie Van H had his demons no doubt (I never met him) but he got where he got. Maybe he could have gone further or maybe that was his level. The thing is he did do it. He was fearless enough to make 1984.

Yes the young use their stupidity to forge paths that they would not if they knew better. Maybe my being “too old for myself” was always my weakness so I didn’t do crazy enough things like learn guitar, move to Nashville, and stalk Tanya Tucker until I got hired (and fired).

I sure feel like I have given a lot more than I got many days. I made all that music, gave advice to all those people and walked away with nothing but this conversation. That tho is possibly a win tho as I figure you done wrote that at me because even tho I can’t sing or play for :poop: you see that we are alike in this way. That is something that kid will never have.

Maybe if I had met Eddie V he too would have looked at me and seen that thing that is music in my eyes and nodded. Who knows.

We do what we do because we must do what we do. If we let the Song Gods keep talking to us we are still alive.

:slight_smile:

1 Like

Some of buyer don’t understand the value of work and they think everything are cheap. they should increase their knowledge about products pricing.