I am Emma-Ji, and I will HeLp U wiTh **All** Ur Isshoos


#1

You won’t even need to call a number! I am a font of knowledge and wisdom and can help you with a range of life problems.

I am an expert in ASSTOLOGY and can also read your future simply by intensely concentrating at my magical guru wall.

Yours in infinite wisedom and knowledwings,

Emma-Ji
Grand Masterwizard of Emma-Ji College of Being Incredibly Wise and Clever


#2

Emma-ji is best ji. You don’t need any other jis!

/failed sockpuppet attempt


#3

Is he looking for a job on Fiverr?


#4

My wife hasn’t let me touch her in over two years. She says I make her skin crawl and she stays married to me because she is waiting for me to die so she can collect the insurance. Can you help?


#5

He may, he may not. The universe is full of imponderable mysteries. My magical wall says that you perhaps did not understand or read this question properly, or are being held back by an impenetrable demon of density called Mark.

SOLUTION: close your eyes and envision yourself walking through a nondescript bit of wasteland. Perhaps there’s a burning sofa to your life and a rabid dog to your left. Sing Hail the Trees and imagine millions of rose petals starving the fire of oxygen and a dog whisperer curing the rabid dog.

He will then get a job.

Quite simple, really.


#6

This is a most troubling situation. I have stared at my wall for 5 seconds (it is too powerful to look at for too long, and I cannot fall into that particular abyss as humanity needs my services too much) and it told me through abstract dance forms that you need to bend over backwards like a shocked swan.

Once your wife has been convinced that you are a beta Nice Guy™®© you may then proceed to stuff a million rose petals down her throat, causing her to fall back in love with you or die, whichever comes first. If a tragedy should come to pass, sing My Sweet Lard over and over again and tell neighbors and family that she has a rosy future ahead of her without you.

The sweet fragrance of the petals will also enable you to Norman Bates her without too much olfactory offense, but be sure to keep her away from normies who just don’t understand my genius and benevolent wisdom.

Quite simple, really. I would have thought it was obvious.


#7

As a side note, I have a lot of rose petals available at a reasonable price, so please don’t worry if you are finding it hard to source these.


#8

hahaha ha ha hah, that will definitely be an awesome adventure for him. I would have volunteered to be one of his companions but Fiverr said I must finish over 30 orders in the next 31 days. So, I must become busy at once.


#9

Why not let her touch you if she wouldn’t let you touch her?


#10

I have a problem. I have some bitcoins which I would like to have turned into gazillions of $$$'s so that I can be attractive to women and by this time next year be married to a 21-year-old 5ft 5 blonde called Naomi who whats to have lots and lots of babies with me. In fact, ideally, she will be the kind of gal who just wants to spend every moment making babies. Can you help? And if so, can you throw in a free fedora?


#11

My child, my child. My poor, poor child. I saw visions of your future should you willfully and most foolishly walk down this path.

Black the path was, and nary a rose petal in sight or smell. It was raining blood and babies, and in the center of this vision was the Great Goddess Martha, cackling like a deranged demon who had found a new human to channel her army of spider-people babies into this world. Worse, they don’t eat food. They eat rose petals.

My wall of infinite wisdom made an eerie groan as I focused on it. I divined that it had bitcoin indigestion, a common side-effect of the greed of our society.

But I am not here to judge, my child. If you must be the Great Ruin of Civilization all for want of BT and petal-eating spider-babies, who am I to prevent you from walking your self-ordained path?

First, you need at least a billion rose petals (CURRENTLY ON DISCOUNT! CONTACT ME FOR MORE DETAILS!) and a thorny twig stalk fashioned to look like a voodoo Naomi doll. You must prick an appendage–any will do, but the more painful the pricking the better–then scatter a couple of million about while chanting Praise Duct Tape. Throw them fast enough so that a vortexy portal into the room (must be at least 10x10 sq ft) so Martha can work it hard and make the prickly object of your desire come to you with a womb as fertile as ancient Mesopotamian fields.

I have several fedoras, but I believe the m’lady one will fit you best. It comes in white with a fashionable red ribbon, black with a fashionable red ribbon and charcoal with a fashionable red ribbon. I also have red fedoras with a fashionable red ribbon. Rose petal accessories optional for added m’ladying.

May this help you in your journey through the cosmos.


#12

Huh?


#13

This is insane! I need those rose petals! I had a rose on my dining table already so I plucked a few petals and threw them onto the vortex by my bedroom. To my amazement, I then heard a beautiful woman’s voice calling, followed by a long leg in fishnet tights emerging from the vortex itself. And that’s when I realized my mistake! You see my vortex is only 2 ft x 2ft square, and without more rose petals, I’m unable to pull my future wife into the world!

In this case, I need as many petals as you can send so that I can encourage the vortex to open more fully. Moreover, time is of the essence. I mean, what if it closes and I’m left with just a severed leg and not a full future wife / spider baby maker?

Can you expedite delivery to avoid me from such a fate? If so, please also send your best fedora at the same time so that I can look my best as I wrench my new wife out of the rose petal strewn nether regions of reality. If you do, we might even call one of our spider babies after you!


#14

This sounds like a Stephen King novel.


#15

Hah


#16

I have a terrible problem that is almost too great to express here, so I am hoping powerful witch of EmmaOz can help. There is a terrible presence in my life that is seeking to make me lose sleep and be late on gigs. The presence is known as BOT and speaks the demonic language of Spammese. Even the great and powerful men and women known as the Oracles of Fiv-rre’ have not yet been able to full conquer it. What should I do?


#17

I I have a terrible problem that is I fall in Love with some Fiverr GuY. so I am hoping powerful witch of EmmaJi can help . Every time I am thinking of him . I am missing him all the time.

its breaks my concentration. I can not even work properly. he doesnt know even. What should I do?


#18

I Met A Girl On Fiverr, She Is Pretty And Attractive…
I Love Her So Much…
I Wish If She Can Know My Feelings, I Wish If She Love Me Back…
I Need Her Very Badly…
I Hope Emma-Ji Will Help Me In This…


#19

I don’t have any money now but if you do this for me I will pay you 10 X more later.


#20

I have not met the love of my life yet. I am hoping the power of EmmaJi will at least tell me his name, how he looks like and where he stays.