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I was doing so well.... My every animal omelette

I have failed! I feel fat, disgusting, and downright wretched with myself.

I’m sure I’m not the only freelancer who struggles with their weight and fitness. However, over the past year, I’ve made extraordinary life changes and developed a very comfortable way of dealing with things. 3 - huge walks a day, occasional secret early morning running (because I’m a smoker and its embarrassing to watch); and a strictly keto diet.

Then a few weeks ago, I received a nice big pack of new summer clothes (because autumn is when everything is discounted). Then to my horror, I discovered that while everything fit, there were bulgy bits. Specifically, dreaded love handle bulgy bits.

I was surprised by this. All my regular clothes fit. Perhaps everything I had ordered was the wrong size? Checking the labels, I was mortified to realize that this wasn’t the case. Then I came to the conclusion that for the past 6-months, my existing wardrobe has been steadily growing with me. Every, thread, stretching with every wear and wash, to help subtly disguise a growing belly shame.

Not one to waste money, I decided that a diet was in order. More cabbage, less bacon, and no more Friday binges on entire cartons of full cream and family size chocolate cakes. (My only vice after smoking).

Until today, this was working well. Now fitting into everything, I started dreaming of face diving into plates of cheesecake, while pouring melted chocolate over myself. Of course, this would be a monumentally bad way to end a diet. In this case, I decided to shop for a nice hunk of meat to roast and eat in a more civilized way, perhaps with company.

And then the bad thing happened.

The fruit and veg man arrived in his rickety truck and he had everything. Duck, beef, pork, bacon, cream, huge chocolate gateaux. And then I couldn’t stop myself. I bought all of the above and more. Then when I lumbered everything home like a hunchback, I realized that I couldn’t wait.

Off went a giant chunk of butter into the wok, followed by every animal I could find. Some became a giant omelet. Some became a strange kind of spicy chow mein. And then after gorging on all of that, I realized that my new chocolate gateaux had finished defrosting…

Such shame! I feel like an animal which could be killed at any moment by a rich American dentist, because it’s in too deep a food coma to run for cover.

It’s so bad, that I have already had to loosen the button on a new pair of jeans to breathe.

Alas, my diet will, therefore, be starting again tomorrow. If the sea is still warm enough, I might even try to swim off a few new pounds.

Anyway, I have realized that I never used to have dietary binges like this before freelancing. (Not that I do this regularly). Somehow, though, these odd habits started to creep in over the years. Habits like spoonfeeding myself a jar of peanut butter at 2am and taking a day to gorge on sweet things and lashings of cream or ice cream. In fact, I never even had a sweet tooth to speak of before freelancing.

So, am I the only one? Am I some kind of Fiverr food freak? Or do others out there have similar bad habits and freelancer food shame?


A few became a giant omelet.


Synonym: A word having the same or nearly the same meaning as another in the language.

Some = A few, several, etc. :roll_eyes:

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Are you nitpicking my poor English?

Shame on you!

If you are going to proof read, you could at least pick up on my appalling use of the apostrophe’.

Don’t worry, I’ll forgive you. :wink:

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People would die. Besides, its vloggers who rule the online food scene and I don’t have time for that.

I love your whole write up. Was smiling throughout when reading it. Why? not because of the increase of the weight but because of funny description sentences included.

In this case, I suppose it was all worth while. :slight_smile:

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This resonated in my soul lol. My food habits are terrible and I’m the master at coming up with every excuse in the book as to why I deserve that pint of cookie dough ice cream or those delicious mcdonalds mcnuggies.

“You responded to so many annoying messages today, you deserve a nice caramel macchiato you sassy lady.”


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I’ve finally settled on: "It’s winter soon. The more fat you have, the lower your heating bills."


Audibly cackling at the truth of this.