I Will Criticize You. A Lot. You'll Love It


#1

Gosh, look at all the dull offers here. Wow and super engaging scripts? Stunning CV letters? Responsive websites that anyone can make with a click?

No, ladies and gentlemen. I come not with an olive branch, but with the entire tree and its gnarly roots–and we’re both here to tell you some unsavory truths.

If you want to learn some creative swearing, that can be arranged. I’m only fluent in one language, but I can swear with the best of them in four. It’s not very useful, but it may lessen the impact of me telling you that your USP is a massive pile of disassociated donkey dongs.

That’s exactly what I’m here for. Your website isn’t Donkey Kong, it’s unwanted Donkey Dong.

Let me throw away those rose tinted glasses and help you to see. Nothing personal :slight_smile:


#2

Your website is festering in a pit of inadequacy and cries every time you don’t buy my gig.

Even if your website isn’t the abortive love child of Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian, I can still relentlessly mock it for being blander than a corporate yes man nervously staking his first opinion.

Why are you even looking at those other gigs? Treat yo’self. To some good old British verbal abuse. Now we’re talkin’!


#3

Should “bump” this? I understand this is a really good sales tactic frequently employed here for massive success.

Actually, it makes you look like a twerp. I’m being a twerp for free, just to prove a point. I can detwerpify your website, too. Let’s not be precious–it sucks.


#4

You know, every 24 hours (ish), your promoted gig will drop down by as much as 3 pages?

Advertising here is useless. This is where you’re allowed to advertise, which is why it’s useless.

Free advice: if you’re advertising here, you’re a moron. I’m advertising here because I know this, and I know a lot of offended people’s first reach is “you don’t understand!”. Well I do, honey. You’re still wasting time like I am right here.

It’s just that I’m laughing, and you’re running around asking why no-one cares.

a) don’t advertise in the obvious advert ghetto where you’re stuck with people just like you. You want to buy their shit? No, I didn’t think so.

Wake up and smell the… whatever.