The views and opinions of Mooch are not necessarily the views and opinions of the fiverr forum. In fact, the forum is fairly afraid of Mooch and senses some strange mental fugue happening. Reading Mooch’s posts are done so at the discretion of the reader. The forum will not be held liable for any actions caused by reading Mooch’s posts. Moochs post’s may cause awesomeness. Please consult your doctor before using.
Hello All! My name is MoocH (not a real name) and in this quick tutorial I will provide tips to make your sales increase in unimaginably profitable ways.
Make sure to read all the blurbs underneath the tip to really understand the sales techniques being provided to you.
Firstly, I’ve made over one million U.S. dollars using multiple accounts creating fake likes for your social media. Who cares that you don’t “have real friends,” or that you “don’t even have a business to boost social proof to your brand?” Everyone knows that social media is purely used for the advancement of one’s self worth. Now…I’m not saying that to “market” myself…I would never market myself in areas of the forum where marketing is prohibited… don’t even act like I’m marketing my totally successful, completely within TOS, absolutely worth the money services in this thread.
The following tips are just opinions about my experience. By cultural definition, my use of the word “opinion” prevents any disagreement, wrong-doing, arguing, fact-checking or otherwise harmful result of using these tips. Everyone has an opinion. That’s like…a law or something.
1- You can offer bonuses
How to use: Begin every interaction with a potential client by demonstrating the flexibility of your prices and your worth. They need to know that your prices are merely suggestions and aren’t based on any market evaluation, professional quality or true talent. Heck, you just made up a bunch of numbers anyway, so why not give a bunch of FREE services to them! Sure, that will totally devalue your actual offerings and ruin the market of your gig… but why should you care, you just learned about “proof reading” ten minutes ago. May as well throw in five gigs for each precious dollar.
2- For less price and less time, sell you gig
How to use: Remember, nothing is more important than being faster than your competition. Quality? Research? That’s all for suckers. Clients love nothing more than cheap things, fast. Don’t even waste your time on concepts like, “how can I guarantee a 24 hour turnover before I’ve even seen the project?” Critical thinking is for losers hoss, we’re here to get paid.
3- Use Buyers Request to tell people that you are capable of the job
How to use: It’s called “Buyer’s Requests” so of course you, as a seller, should post there. I’m sure that the fiverr team just messed up and meant to call it “Sellers Classifieds” or “services offered,” or “Even though we specifically emphasize for sellers not to post here- go ahead and post here.”
4- Use professional language in messages with buyer or in buyer request
How to use: and by professional I mean, say anything it takes to get the job. Oh, you’ve never written copy before? Screw it, get the job. You don’t really understand audio production but you claim to be a professional producer? Awesome! Get that gig, slappy. What does “professional translation” mean anyways… you have google, good enough!
5- Give him/her some extra BONUS or services
How to use: Let’s face it, your service skills are novice level and your value is equal to a chewed piece of gum. Know what will fix it? More services!!! It’s not like there’s any value to your qualifications - so you’ll just have to overcompensate.
6- Firstly work for reviews not for money
How to use: Money is for those ‘career’ people. The true path to financial freedom is letting customers dictate everything about your work, letting them bat you around, living in mortal terror of their all powerful reviewing capabilities and ultimately letting them bury your service until it’s worthless.
7- You need to keep online the most of time you can
How to use: Obviously the best consumers are those that would purchase purely based on immediate reactions and never by searching the market place. Don’t you want to work with someone who is so unsure of their needs that the top priority is finding people “online?” The simple fix is - stop sleeping. Do you know the average person sleeps for 25 years in a lifetime? That’s 25 years you could be spending not learning your craft better.
8- Promote yourself on social media +anywhere possible
How to use: Social media loves constant advertisements, especially non paid. Make sure to join communities,add nothing to the topic discussion and go right to hawking your material. Always link your gig to blogs, videos and groups to really get yourself out there. There’s definitely no one in the social media world who will say horrible things to you for this kind of behavior.
10 (Legit, if you’re in on the gag- look it up- there’s no 9) Do some research on GIGS you creat (Title,tags,how to write seo based description).
How to use: Take other people’s descriptions. Listen, they worked hard so you don’t have to. If the other service is so good, why don’t we just see for ourselves? Self reflection is for sissy’s.
11-See top sellers gigs and get the idea of tags and titles and descriptions (you don’t need to copy them).
How to Use: Obviously it’s not copying if I change the words…right? For example, see how on my own list number 10 and number 11 are actually the same tip? But you don’t even notice because I changed the words. This is called “creative writing.” Now you can have a gig in that too!
12 - Have a good GIG picture and upload pdf that explains every thing about your compny,team or services every thing briefly(about you all services and company or about particular GIG service)
How too use:
Okay… Okay… even this gag is exhausting me. If you’ve gotten this far I will assume two things: One, you have amazing taste in thread humor and two, you realize these tips are parody. Only…they aren’t. These tips were directly posted to this forum (without the obvious comedic blurbs), where over 1100 people read them. Now… I’m not the type to say, “the poster of these tips is a dingbat headed, cube brained barbarian who needs never to lend their services to this community ever again.” That would be against forum rules to say, that I would say that. That’s why I wouldn’t. Offensive behavior isn’t tolerated here or on fiverr in general. Yet, when an offense…like, lets say… steering a group of new sellers in the wrong direction to disastrous results for everyone, comes up - we correct it and move on. Sometimes highlighting it is the best remedy to extinguish (if only for that brief moment) the behaviors.
I own brick and mortar businesses and online businesses and I can say without a doubt, it’s cool to respect yourself. It’s okay to have a standard, a structure and a limit. Sometimes, walking away from clients is the best way to attract better clients. The professionalism and foresight you will bring into new conversations will be evident to the right prospect. Just as being treated like a doormat will happen in every sale if you allow yourself to never say no.
Of course, that’s just my opinion…and opinion is the law.
This has been my “Mooch’s Long winded thread” of the month. To subscribe, simply visit the fiverr forum often.