Fiverr Community Forum

The Best Buyer Request Response Ever!

Note: Please feel free to copy and paste this glorious and perfect BUYERS REQUEST response.

Hello Fiverrians! -
A lot of you have been asking, "Mooch, what is the perfect copy/paste buyer request response?”

Typically, I respond by saying:

“This is my bedroom. My personal bedroom. Where I make babies and dream about actually having used my potential. Please get out”

But not today.

As many of you are already aware, sending prospective buyers a “copied” request is the absolute MOST effective way to gain trust.

You’re not some nerdy, “reader” and buyers appreciate that.

It’s a scientific fact that reading has never contributed to anything. You’re not even reading this. You had a friend perform this post on an audio recording and spliced it into a YouTube gaming video. YouTube is way better than reading, am I right?

You can’t be bothered with the particulars in a buyer’s request, like:

Qualifications

Or, experience

Or, what this person really wants.

Some of you have even gone so far as to post your pre-made responses to this forum. Good job!

Responding to a specific request from an individual person with a canned and non meaningful reply says,
Hey, I’m too busy to deal with you. But money smells yummy.

That’s right Mr. never been hired in person for the service you’re suddenly a master at” Fiverr guy!

Many of you have developed really wonderful buyer request replies, but today we will uncover the most successful, sure fire response of them all.

The crack team here at “Mooch Industries INC.”(formerly known as “Mooch’s Unadoption Service” - lawsuit pending) has been hard at work, crafting, suffering and deciphering, laboring and sculpting: creating the copy that will change your freelance world forever.

Note: We’ve had to implement a 20 percent decrease in suffering due to COVID.

We’ve traced and tracked every aspect of the most perfectly worded “buyers request” response. So here it is… Let your sales sore and your wings spread…

Buyer Request Reply:

Hello dear Sir, Madam, he, she, them, they, Ze, thair, their, binary person, non-binary people persons, non person binaries, his, hers, hirs, you’s and Melanie Griffith’s…

I just read your buyers request, the one with words.

I’m interested in completing the task you spoke of, including the things you said and the request you made. I can do it exactly as you asked for - with expert detail.

I’m a professional in the field of the request that you made. I have lots of years experience doing this thing that is our topic.

I have totally made money, in a real world scenario, in this field and people in that field would consider me to be a professional. I asked them.

I said, “Hey, fellow professional of work, would you consider me to be a work peer?

And they were all, “heck yeah, one of us person.” That’s right!

I have spent years watching videos, reading blogs and doing the thing that we’re talking about.

If there were any actual, worldly proof that I was a pro at it, I would provide that proof - until then, here’s a stock photo of a 90’s glamour model!

(insert photo of model or make best drawing)

I will work for a VERY low cost. Inhumanly low. So low, in fact, it will force more talented workers to lower their service prices. That’s my promise to YOU!

Dear customer, I will ensure that not ONE last competitor eats, all to provide low costs for you. Gluttony is a sin, but market value is the devil.

What else will you get from me:

1) Unlimited revisions:

Don’t even try to limit me. I’ll even revise the things you liked. I’m the George Lucas of Fiverr. I’ll message you in a month from now, pester you about work and give you more revisions.

Limited revisions are for losers who listen the first time.

With unlimited revisions, we have time to take this causal flicker and develop it into an intense flame.

Can you feel it?

The heat?

2) I will work until you’re satisfied:

Doing the job properly just isn’t enough. I will bend and break my soul into shards and then stab myself in the heart to get those high star ratings.

  • I will work on everything, regardless of any agreement - until you’re satisfied.

  • I’ll call to tell you that you’re doing great.

  • I’ll tell you that you look amazing in those jeans.

  • I’ll tell your mother that her expectations were unfair and that your life is right where it should be.

  • I’ll label your exes “crazy” on social media to establish your “still single alibi.”

  • I’ll send you a pad of sticky notes and write “you deserve it all” on every page.

Hiring me is agreeing to lifetime satisfaction.

3) Quick Delivery:

With my service, you won’t ever have to worry about life getting in the way.

I’ve budgeted my free time by eliminating free time.

I will work every minute, of every day to rush your job in.

Who needs companionship when you have a coffee maker?

Ding dong.

"Who is it?"

"It’s life".

"Go away life, I’m in my sweatpants."

"Please come see me"

"See you? ha. Get a better algorithm life, I’m almost a level 2".

With my services, I will establish a Pavlovian master/pet relationship with you, whereby every notification makes me a combination of tense yet intrigued and requires me to obey.

You’ll love it!

I’ll process your order in record time. So fast, in fact, that it will require me to outsource it to another person with lesser standards or to offer you premade things. If it’s new to you, it’s new to me.

4) After service support:

Once you’re a customer of mine, you always will be.

My clients appreciate my consistent and overbearing follow ups. Here’s a real world example:

“Hey cutie,
I saw you with that graphic designer from Toronto. I bet you were really impressed with his big reviews. You told me that review size didn’t matter. I bet he’ll never review you like I did.
Please come back to me. Let’s just have one last revision for old times sake.

I’m watching you.”

Now THAT’S quality!

5) Friendly communication:

When we communicate, I will offer you the latest in modest niceties. Included sentiments are me referring to you as:

  • Dear

  • Sir

  • Sweetie

  • Beloved

  • Honey pouch

  • Lovely

  • Boo boo

  • Smoke pants

  • Trouser flower

  • Yum oven

  • Puddin tush

  • Jiggle mittens

  • And water mouth

6) Free demos of the project before you pay me:

By hiring my services, you should ask yourself, “is there a way to not pay for this?”

Of course there is.

I will totally work on your project BEFORE you give me anything. I love being judged prior to the process of payment.

It’s not as though I have examples of my work that show you exactly what I do.

I mean… every business gives you things without being compensated:

Walmart

McDonald’s

Electricians

Pizza guys

Ladies of the evening

Bookies

Amazon

These are all perfectly good places to say, “hey, I want that thing I want before I pay you or else I’m not paying you.”

No seller has ever been ripped off doing that exact thing and I’m no exception.

And listen, you’re a new customer. So what if I have people waiting? New is new. Out with the old.

So please hire me. Please?

I love you. You’re all I ever wanted.

We’re two ships in this sea, reaching each other by the call of the wind … crashing into each other by the mighty waves of fate…

Climb aboard, oh great captain.

                                                           Yours truly,
                                Totally the person in the thumbnail pic

That’s it!!!
The most perfect, guaranteed, life changing, most money making way to respond to buyers. Your Fiverr experience just became a walk in the park. No more needing to learn online marketing … or finding resources …or even trying.

Anyone can try, try not trying - Yoda.

I wish you all easy and effortless success and make sure to tell us your success stories of using this method right here. Until next time…

Note: So… as per the sensitivity trend sweeping through fiverr like a John Kreese disciple at an 80’s school dance, I feel motivated to tell you that this thread is parody. It’s not particularly “good” parody. Or even extremely well thought out, but it wasn’t serious and I laughed at myself. These are the exact metrics by which Jimmy Fallon measures comedy and people compensate him. In any case, these “ideas” are not to be taken seriously. Any person attempting to incorporate these methods into their correspondence with potential clients does so at their own risk. You hold Fiverr, me and this forum free of any damages that may occur to your finances or reputation by activating these strategies. You also owe us screen shots.

32 Likes

I forgot to add a suggestion about coffee. Clearly, I’m a big fan of coffee.

10 Likes

After waking up, having coffee and reading this monstrosity…

I apologize for nothing.

5 Likes

Never apologize for being honest about your feelings.

This is hilariously terrible. :rofl: I’m in awe. If you could have actually made it fit in the 1500 character limit, I’d even more in awe, but I’m still highly amused. (Probably should be in Ranting Pot, though.)

I only have two small suggestions:

until you’re satisfied

‘until you’re 1083% satisfied’

I’m almost a level 2

‘I’m almost a level 2, even though I’ve never made a sale.’

7 Likes

OMG, the most impressive, hilarious and crazy thing I ever read these months :blush: :+1:

6 Likes

one of the best article :rofl: :joy: :rofl: :joy: its really funny and joyful

3 Likes

Great and excellent , Make my mind fresh :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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Excuse me…
I will not be edited.

The process of editing suggests that my art has mountainous areas to still obtain. I assure you, it’s more of a vast plain that may actually harbor a few depressions. Editing me is like perfecting the lines in a child’s coloring book, handing the book back to the child and saying, “okay, now don’t scribble over this pretty drawing.”

You know I’m just waiting for you to exit the room. Only, this time, I have scissors.

In all seriousness (maybe), I appreciate your kind words. I’ve seen so many “perfect response posts” that it’s only right mine exceeds the allotted character limit. That’s one of the most joyous aspects of the “best response” consortium. Perhaps that character limitation is the one line of defense preventing some irony-less fiverrian from actually posting this poison.

2 Likes

Suggesting this is an article is like confusing fruit punch for Holy water.

Glad you enjoyed.

3 Likes

That “freshness” is actually a subliminal mantra that I placed into the rhythms of the text. Basic hypnosis has a tendency to feel “clean.”

You are getting very sleepy…

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No, this is the most impressive, hilarious and crazy thing that you have EVER read here at all…

…Mooch demanded through his self loathing.

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I disappointed in the lack of “Thank you, bro, sis, sir, dear, for great advice” in the comment section. :upside_down_face:

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I have a tendency to beat back the fray.

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After careful consideration, I think this is the best advice ever given on the “buyer request” topic. If you systematically follow all of these rules backward, you are guaranteed greater success in any and all business.

Which sucks. I really hate it when I make some sort of a decent point.
I won’t let it happen again.

2 Likes

First I was confused reading this. Very funny writeup.

2 Likes

Well, don’t read it more. It only get’s more confusing. It also get’s less relevant. Pretentious, even. Who does this guy think he is, yammering on and lecturing. If he want’s to be so funny, why doesn’t he offer a creative writing gig? The forum isn’t his personal playground. This isn’t the lampoon, it’s a serious place. I’m sick of it. We don’t need him to point out what’s wrong with certain forum posts. We get it, he makes jokes or whatever.

It’s enough.

1 Like

Eh, my own satirical ‘poem’ was welcomed in the Ranting Pot.

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Part of me feels that if the satire is entirely “welcomed” I haven’t accomplished what I’m accomplishing.

Which is nothing. I’m literally accomplishing nothing. I’m just sticking a big sign off the side of the road that say’s, “hey writers, artists and creatives… here is some material for you. May I return home?”

But we all know, the minute you let me in the gate, it’s an instant uprising.
My plan to be king isn’t much of a secret.

Maybe it’s already happened? Maybe I am the satire fiverr forum king.

On the other hand, maybe I’m just some guy in town selling timeshares and keeping a stamp collection.

I’ll never tell.

2 Likes

very valuable information.

thank you very much, bro

do social media marketing

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It is valuable. Forward my money and stop being cheap.

Also… what is this sociable medias that you’re talking about?

I market through a guy named Vincent. He goes to your door in a three piece suit and asks you to buy my services. With a baseball bat.
Let’s see your socialite median do that.

1 Like