Note: Please feel free to copy and paste this glorious and perfect BUYERS REQUEST response.
Hello Fiverrians! -
A lot of you have been asking, "Mooch, what is the perfect copy/paste buyer request response?”
Typically, I respond by saying:
“This is my bedroom. My personal bedroom. Where I make babies and dream about actually having used my potential. Please get out”
But not today.
As many of you are already aware, sending prospective buyers a “copied” request is the absolute MOST effective way to gain trust.
You’re not some nerdy, “reader” and buyers appreciate that.
It’s a scientific fact that reading has never contributed to anything. You’re not even reading this. You had a friend perform this post on an audio recording and spliced it into a YouTube gaming video. YouTube is way better than reading, am I right?
You can’t be bothered with the particulars in a buyer’s request, like:
Or, what this person really wants.
Some of you have even gone so far as to post your pre-made responses to this forum. Good job!
Responding to a specific request from an individual person with a canned and non meaningful reply says,
“Hey, I’m too busy to deal with you. But money smells yummy.”
That’s right Mr. “never been hired in person for the service you’re suddenly a master at” Fiverr guy!
Many of you have developed really wonderful buyer request replies, but today we will uncover the most successful, sure fire response of them all.
The crack team here at “Mooch Industries INC.”(formerly known as “Mooch’s Unadoption Service” - lawsuit pending) has been hard at work, crafting, suffering and deciphering, laboring and sculpting: creating the copy that will change your freelance world forever.
Note: We’ve had to implement a 20 percent decrease in suffering due to COVID.
We’ve traced and tracked every aspect of the most perfectly worded “buyers request” response. So here it is… Let your sales sore and your wings spread…
Buyer Request Reply:
Hello dear Sir, Madam, he, she, them, they, Ze, thair, their, binary person, non-binary people persons, non person binaries, his, hers, hirs, you’s and Melanie Griffith’s…
I just read your buyers request, the one with words.
I’m interested in completing the task you spoke of, including the things you said and the request you made. I can do it exactly as you asked for - with expert detail.
I’m a professional in the field of the request that you made. I have lots of years experience doing this thing that is our topic.
I have totally made money, in a real world scenario, in this field and people in that field would consider me to be a professional. I asked them.
I said, “Hey, fellow professional of work, would you consider me to be a work peer?”
And they were all, “heck yeah, one of us person.” That’s right!
I have spent years watching videos, reading blogs and doing the thing that we’re talking about.
If there were any actual, worldly proof that I was a pro at it, I would provide that proof - until then, here’s a stock photo of a 90’s glamour model!
(insert photo of model or make best drawing)
I will work for a VERY low cost. Inhumanly low. So low, in fact, it will force more talented workers to lower their service prices. That’s my promise to YOU!
Dear customer, I will ensure that not ONE last competitor eats, all to provide low costs for you. Gluttony is a sin, but market value is the devil.
What else will you get from me:
1) Unlimited revisions:
Don’t even try to limit me. I’ll even revise the things you liked. I’m the George Lucas of Fiverr. I’ll message you in a month from now, pester you about work and give you more revisions.
Limited revisions are for losers who listen the first time.
With unlimited revisions, we have time to take this causal flicker and develop it into an intense flame.
Can you feel it?
2) I will work until you’re satisfied:
Doing the job properly just isn’t enough. I will bend and break my soul into shards and then stab myself in the heart to get those high star ratings.
I will work on everything, regardless of any agreement - until you’re satisfied.
I’ll call to tell you that you’re doing great.
I’ll tell you that you look amazing in those jeans.
I’ll tell your mother that her expectations were unfair and that your life is right where it should be.
I’ll label your exes “crazy” on social media to establish your “still single alibi.”
I’ll send you a pad of sticky notes and write “you deserve it all” on every page.
Hiring me is agreeing to lifetime satisfaction.
3) Quick Delivery:
With my service, you won’t ever have to worry about life getting in the way.
I’ve budgeted my free time by eliminating free time.
I will work every minute, of every day to rush your job in.
Who needs companionship when you have a coffee maker?
"Who is it?"
"Go away life, I’m in my sweatpants."
"Please come see me"
"See you? ha. Get a better algorithm life, I’m almost a level 2".
With my services, I will establish a Pavlovian master/pet relationship with you, whereby every notification makes me a combination of tense yet intrigued and requires me to obey.
You’ll love it!
I’ll process your order in record time. So fast, in fact, that it will require me to outsource it to another person with lesser standards or to offer you premade things. If it’s new to you, it’s new to me.
4) After service support:
Once you’re a customer of mine, you always will be.
My clients appreciate my consistent and overbearing follow ups. Here’s a real world example:
I saw you with that graphic designer from Toronto. I bet you were really impressed with his big reviews. You told me that review size didn’t matter. I bet he’ll never review you like I did.
Please come back to me. Let’s just have one last revision for old times sake.
I’m watching you.”
Now THAT’S quality!
5) Friendly communication:
When we communicate, I will offer you the latest in modest niceties. Included sentiments are me referring to you as:
And water mouth
6) Free demos of the project before you pay me:
By hiring my services, you should ask yourself, “is there a way to not pay for this?”
Of course there is.
I will totally work on your project BEFORE you give me anything. I love being judged prior to the process of payment.
It’s not as though I have examples of my work that show you exactly what I do.
I mean… every business gives you things without being compensated:
Ladies of the evening
These are all perfectly good places to say, “hey, I want that thing I want before I pay you or else I’m not paying you.”
No seller has ever been ripped off doing that exact thing and I’m no exception.
And listen, you’re a new customer. So what if I have people waiting? New is new. Out with the old.
So please hire me. Please?
I love you. You’re all I ever wanted.
We’re two ships in this sea, reaching each other by the call of the wind … crashing into each other by the mighty waves of fate…
Climb aboard, oh great captain.
Yours truly, Totally the person in the thumbnail pic
The most perfect, guaranteed, life changing, most money making way to respond to buyers. Your Fiverr experience just became a walk in the park. No more needing to learn online marketing … or finding resources …or even trying.
Anyone can try, try not trying - Yoda.
I wish you all easy and effortless success and make sure to tell us your success stories of using this method right here. Until next time…
Note: So… as per the sensitivity trend sweeping through fiverr like a John Kreese disciple at an 80’s school dance, I feel motivated to tell you that this thread is parody. It’s not particularly “good” parody. Or even extremely well thought out, but it wasn’t serious and I laughed at myself. These are the exact metrics by which Jimmy Fallon measures comedy and people compensate him. In any case, these “ideas” are not to be taken seriously. Any person attempting to incorporate these methods into their correspondence with potential clients does so at their own risk. You hold Fiverr, me and this forum free of any damages that may occur to your finances or reputation by activating these strategies. You also owe us screen shots.