Hello new sellers (and you dilapidated types may join us too) !!!
Welcome to the ultimate Fiverr sales training tutorial. Soon, we’ll be discovering ways to skyrocket our sales into elevations never reached before. First, a word from our sponsor:
" Cakey Rolls, because nutrition is for those people… "
And we’re back!
So… You’ve set up your new fiverr account. You’ve stolen the most beautiful of all the head-shot stock images (nice watermark!). You’ve perfectly copied the description of a reputable seller and you’ve ignored all the silly “clarifying your offer” jargon… But now what? What will separate you from your competition? What steps can you take that will tell others, “Hey, I’m here and stuff…so, like, gimmie things?”
This tutorial is for you.
With my help - you will learn all the secret tips that self described “successful” fiverrians use to prosper. Together, we’ll discover that feeling good at your trade is just as good as being good at your trade… without all that “extra income” to worry about.
These tips have been proven to be tips. Kid tested, mother approved. I’m loving it. Just do it.
- Why use a video - when you can not use a video?
How is it your problem that you don’t look like the field dwelling, Hungarian, jeans model from your picture? What are you supposed to do…buy a wig? Since when did making money, take money (who has ever even heard of that)? Not to mention, it’s low class to assume someone’s gender. Just because you’re not from the same country as the woman in your picture…or even a woman…doesn’t mean that you aren’t. Facts people.
- After one Week of Selling- Offer tips on Selling:
You’ve worked hard. You’ve built a reputation of “having things for people to buy.” After all, you’ve remained at only one job for the entirety of your freelancing career. So what it’s only been 7 days. You know what it takes to thrive. You purchased your “freelancer starter kit” on amazon weeks ago… complete with gym shorts, small back pillow, custom 2x’s your size tee, comfy socks, ambient playlist and a “Chicks Dig Me a Latte” coffee mug. I’m sorry, is there anything else required to be a successful freelancer? No… there isn’t. Last I checked, seven is still more than three, so grab that third day seller and shout your newly discovered success tips right into their ear hole. I bet they’ve never even heard of facebook. So if you don’t tell them to spam their purchased bot friends, who will?
- Only use the Forum if you Plan to “Make” Sales (but never search for similar threads):
Nine out of ten doctors agree that forums benefit from spam (*foot doctors). The difference between marketing and spamming is simple: If you post it- it’s marketing…if they post it- it’s spam (Let the ‘chicken and eggers’ deal with the difference, not your problem). True content seekers appreciate your random gig link in a thread titled, “Analytics of Online Buyer Surpluses.” How else will they know that “For five dollars…” you will staple a company logo on your forehead and shout “Deals so good - they hurt?”
Speaking of cold hard facts, in a recent field study - researchers discovered that no one has ever posted anything that you will ever post (including satirical tips meant to never be taken seriously). This revelation, as spearheaded by a ‘Doc Brown,’ further proves the relevancy of your “Impressions are low. pleaze hlp,” thread. Don’t even bother looking for “related” topics. They aren’t there. Now… some of you will point out the blue box that appears and offers suggestions / warnings of similar threads when creating a new “topic.” That box is devil, sorcery. Think about it… one minute you’re writing, “new seller for give me tips on gigs i’m sad” and the next minute some voodoo box appears, just begging you to “read” before you post. The box - in it’s self- is against a little known portion of TOS dubbed, “Fiverr, occultism and you…”
Besides… the recommended post is “I need help with my gigs,” and your post is “PLEASE give me help with my gigs.” Attempting to throw you off of the yellow brick road to easy street just furthers the narrative that there IS, in fact, secret tips that top sellers keep from you. Hard work is a conspiracy.
- Only Ask for Improvements if You Plan Not to Use Them:
Now that you’re a master fiverrian, it’s time to maximize your gigs to their fullest potential. What better way to do this than by engaging other master fiverr sellers… in a fight to the death! Sun Tzu knew that “He will conquer who has learnt the artifice of deviation.” No one knows what that even means, but you totally own his book. It’s time to lay claim to your throne by the sly art of trickery. First…create a non assuming, creatively titled, original thread:
“Please help to improve my gig.”
Next…Kindly ask for forum goers to condense all of their trials and efforts into one -easy to read- sentence. Then… swiftly address each post with a condescending, “I’ve done that and it doesn’t work.” Be sure to drop responsive sprinkles such as, “It still doesn’t change my placement…” or a “this advice doesn’t make sense.”
Now it’s time to reveal yourself. Responders will appreciate that you’ve created this thread to dismiss their efforts and in some cases - they’ll perform the ceremonial ritual of pretending to be upset with your lack of awareness, as they do with all master freelancers of your caliber. They’ll be astonished that you’ve actually created this thread to “teach” them. Don’t let their baffled reactions persuade you… they need your help.
Congratulations. You have now become an “Expert” of fiverr’s secrets to making money. You understand the truth about learning being a one time thing… you know better than to watch videos, read blogs or look into the habits of other people. You understand that being yourself, means not learning from others… and you know that hard work is second only to letting other people do that work -and handing you the results.
We will see you at the top!
Mod Note: In case you have got this far and didn’t realise that this post is not to be taken seriously, please note that it isn’t. Also, don’t stick metal into electrical sockets or drink floor cleaner.
Mod Note placed by Real Mod: Next time you do something intentionally humorous, please include a disclaimer so the mods are aware of your intentions and arrange for appropriate weather.
Edited Real Mod Note: Oh wait, you did that. Please attend an apology reception by entering the door on your left. Ignore the bars and the locking mechanisms, they are just for show. Cookies and floor cleaner will be served at 8.