When it is so obvious, I dunno what else to tell her


#1

So anyway, I have a friend who is so into this guy. I know the guy as well. We are friends, but I am not a close friend with the guy. My friend has had this feeling for the guy for more than two years. I can understand why she really likes this guy, coz this guy is smart, nice and good looking, he is basically that type of guy most girls would easily fall for. She once ˝did that thing˝ with the guy, but they never dated. As I see it from the guy, he doesn´t want to go to the next level with the girl. Now the guy has been dating a new girl. Although they never say they are an item whatsoever, I can tell it´s gonna happen, and I am sure my friend can see it too. My friend is so broken hearted. I dunno what to say to her. To me, it´s obvious it´s not gonna happen between my friend and the guy. I told her there´s plenty of fish in the ocean. But she is so into this guy and can´t move on. Sometimes it can be stressing to listen to her obsession, but on the other hand she is my friend and I know how fragile she is. I have never said anything harsh to her. It´s not that I can´t be harsh to people, but she is my good friend and very fragile, I don´t wanna hurt her feelings. I hope she will get over the guy soon.


#2

Yeah, show her a picture of poor people from India or Africa, or disabled soldiers and tell her, okay, so you think you have problems? World is a harsh place, stop behaving like you are the center of the universe and everyone is for/against you or cares about your silly love problems. Tell her that.


#3

@writer99025 She is actually a good person, and she cares about other people. She knows that some people in some parts of the world have real problems such as famine, etc. She had been a volunteer in Africa years ago. But somehow when it comes to love problems, she acts like she is the center of attention. She can even cry in public because of that. She is complicated. I mean, more complicated than any other friends that I know. She is very fragile. So yeah it´s not that easy. Her other friends have left her one by one. I don´t wanna leave her alone, but I am not a professional. What should I say to her to make her stop being obsessed with this guy?


#4

I don’t know, I don’t understand women.


#5

@writer99025 Me neither, LOL.


#6

Hi Yana,
I used to provide “Relationship Counseling” informally, a while back.

The thing about human emotions are that they are volatile, they are sensitive, they are reactive and also at times, abstract. Emotions make us human but they also at the same time make us unique.

Not all people think and feel the same way, so what may work for one person, may/may not work for another. In cases similar to your friend’s, you can only sympathize and never empathize unless you specifically had interaction in the SAME situation and with an individual with an exact same sentiment.
Truth is we seldom don’t.

A lot can be said, but I will keep this short as I generally try to do.

BE A FRIEND.

I understand you feel for her, because you care, but somethings are better left to the person feeling them to sort it out. Do not interject or provide argument to her plight.

SUPPORT HER

You don’t have to provide advice or counsel, just be the “Lending Ear” :ear: and pay attention to all that she says and nod or shake your head accordingly.

PROVIDE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

Yes, yes, yes - Happy, happy, happy - Good, good, good. She may/may not gripe/moan/whine/bitch about the situation, but as a friend try to show her that ALL IS GOOD and EVERYTHING WILL BE GOOD. Have faith, be patient and focus on the good things in life. You be her go-to-guy (I know you’re a woman) for a boost of happiness/positiveness. Listen to her moan and then swiftly try to change the topic to something happier.


She will come around as soon as her own :heart_decoration: accepts the reality. No one forcing her or showing her the :flashlight: is going to change anything.

One CAN be shown the :door: but the decisions to walk through it MUST be his/hers own.

A lot can be said, but I tried to remain as concise as possible, feel free to poke or prod me if I can be of any further assistance to you. :slight_smile:

Good Luck. :thumbsup:


#7

@djgodknows I don´t know what she actually feels. I had been broken hearted in the past loooong time ago, so I know how it feels to be broken hearted, but my case was not the same case as hers. I moved on easily, much faster than her even though I was in a relationship with a guy - he cheated on me, but I didn´t have a strong feeling for the guy anyway. However, I Do sympathize my friend coz she is one of my longest and best friends - despite she is 5 younger than me. We have been through a lot of things together as friends. I really care about her. She cares about me too.

I try to listen to her as much as I can. Once in a while I come over her place, and then she always starts this same story about how she feels about this guy and she can just start to cry. I can´t visit her as much as before coz last year my husband and I moved to the countryside. But last time I took her again for lunch, and then she cried in the restaurant. We were sat in the corner, so I think not many people noticed she was crying. I told her she is beautiful, and she is a good person, and that I´m sure she will meet another man if she would open her heart. But love problem can be complicated to some people. Do you think it would be a good idea if I introduce her to a new guy? Thank you for your long previous comment. Sorry for the stupid question.


#8

The fish in the ocean are different from the fish in the sea. Give her this song to listen to


#9

Although you are saying this in the MOST POSITIVE way possible, this is how the person on the other end is receiving this.

“But I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE…” wahhhhhhhh :sob:

You see, perception is truly unique and individual to every person. You are trying to jolly her out of the thought, but inadvertently you are actually pushing her more towards the wrong direction. Because it reminds her of him even more.

I am currently in a similar situation to you as being the good friend trying to help out. But my situation is VERY VERY complex.

My friend, with whom I had a relationship over 10 years ago, is confiding in me about her current love life.

Long story short, although she is a relationship now, she still feels strongly for the guy previous to this one. I did advise her to get some space and stay away from him, but although she agreed with me, she didn’t.
She posts a snapchat to me of her being in his house recently.

So I objectively asked her WHY? She goes he just picked me up… da da da… She was telling me previously she cant just stay away, she still needs and WANTS to talk to him, despite being in a 5 year relationship already.

So this time I switch my tactics and instead of scolding her about the incident, I stay quiet and quit talking about her ex unless she absolutely brings it up herself.

:bulb: Moral of the story:
Let the river flow and carve its own path. Building a DAM on it will only stop it for so long.


Again, this may seem to be a great idea, in pen and paper, in romantic movies, but in reality it may backfire.

Another personal story of mine:
20 years ago, I setup my ex gf’s cousin with my friend. She was not like my gf at all, she was quite cool, savvy and all in all, she was awesome. We were quite bonded.
After a devastating heartbreak, I decided I would help her out by setting up with my friend. So I did, and they started dating, and I thought everything SEEMED fine. But in reality, they weren’t, I came to realize I knew my FRIEND much less than I knew her.
5 years after that she told me one day, dating that guy was the biggest mistake of her life and she blamed it on me.

She’s now married to a guy for over 10 years and loves him.

:bulb: Moral of this story:
Don’t be HITCH. :wink:

You may be tempted to help her, but again there’s every possibility it will back fire. Her still talking about it and crying is a CLEAR indicator, she has NOT let it go yet.

What I would suggest is you can ask her straight up, would she be interesting in talking to someone else, having a cup of coffee, just checking out the scene you know. Nothing romantic, nothing over the top, just having a look-see. :eyes:.

If she says yes, don’t try to set her up on a 1-on-1, try to do it in a group setting. Maybe at a bar, maybe at a party, maybe having a friendly get-together in your home. You know, EASE her into it.

#####Don’t try to make her forget her past, try to get her to accept the present and move towards the future (gently).

:slight_smile:


#10

Loong time :eyeglasses:
I was not born at the time when you were setting your ex gf’s cusion with your friend :flushed:


#11

@djgodknows Errr…I never said I told her to forget about the past. I only told her there is plenty of fish in the ocean coz I dunno what to say. I ain´t a professional, lol.

Yeah I have never introduced her to a new guy either, it was just an idea - coz if that doesn´t work, probably I would be stuck forever with her blaming me. So, I only try to cheer her up when she calls me. I take her out and meet her once in a while just so she doesn´t do anything stupid to harm herself, and that we are friends. She really worries me, she can even go without eating for two days and actually tells me that. Dude, how that not make me worried? LOL.

Okay I will try to ask those questions you suggested me. Thank you. :slight_smile:

NB: I don´t wanna be blamed like that girl blamed you.


#12

No, my concluding statement was NOT directed at you, but using her as a reference I made a GENERAL remark.

I completely understand where you are coming from, if you are a caring person, it will hurt you as well as the person you care for, but that is life.

Hopefully, everything will be sorted out… eventually… :slight_smile:


#13

This is one of the worst things you can say to someone when they are grieving over someone else. You should just just listen - don’t give any advice. Ask questions, hear her and cry with her. Time will heal (but don’t tell her that either).


#14

@djgodknows Thanks a bunch :slight_smile:


#15

@williamz902 and that first sentence in your comment is totally not helping my case. I had already said that to her about fish in the ocean thingy and I can´t take my words back. If you´re trying to make me feel bad, that´s not gonna work. Save your lecture for someone else. I have heard her cry lots of times about that guy, more than two years.


#16

Have a whiteboard animated video created explaining the situation as you see it. Then take your friend to a bar full of good looking people, buy her a tequila sunrise, and show her the video.


#17

@cyaxrex She is a crying drunk when she´s drunk. Some people get very funny and laugh a lot when drunk, some get angry and aggressive more than they usually are, etc, while she will soak in tears. :sweat:


#18

I was going to prescribe a ganja therapy session, but it seems from your comments that it might yield the same reaction… Lol


#19

LOL. I might just suggest her to go for a therapy session. What the therapy is, it´s not me to decide and I don´t know anything about therapy. Perhaps I would approach her mother. I don´t wanna be the one to tell her about any therapy. @djgodknows
I really hope she can get over that guy, for her sake, coz the guy does not have the same feelings for her.

Edited: No I´m not gonna approach her mom. I dunno. I think with time she will heal.


#20

Hello, the real story is that she like many people hangs onto the non existent relationship as a focus so she doesn’t think about the real problems and disappointments in her life. It’s a lot more complex than just being hung up on someone. This obsession is a mask which is a focal point for her unhappiness.
Some people hang onto non existent lovers for years or even decades, to keep from thinking about the other big problems in their lives, although they are not aware of this. They are more comfortable being stuck in the same unhappy place, obsessing, then making some changes and improvements.

You can’t help her, although it wouldn’t hurt to introduce her to others.